[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Do one person every day that scares you.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh