[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are