It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
omg leave her alone
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.