I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Squirrels before girls.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
BETRAYAL
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.