[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You better watch out
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
is this meant to deter me
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!