Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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#gardening
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.