@TheBoydP: It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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@NicCageMatch: Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
@tastefactory: BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn't have a hidden ponytail
@PaperWash: [grocery store] dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying [baby keeps crying] me: wow, your baby does not listen
@VanGobot: CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life): THANK