It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.