It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
no such thing as a dumb question
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Perfect.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them