It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
So we got a goldfish…
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.