It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait