Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
this has done me in for some reason
Peace was never an option
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?