I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Tony Hawk, age 6
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.