It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
😅🤣😂
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*