@candace_9871: It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life.
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@WonderMonkey78: Atheists don't believe in God or the "i before e except after c" rule of spelling.
@Marlebean: Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that's why it's trying to get you. WE DON'T KNOW!
@antoniodelotero: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@deegeemindi: Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.