@candace_9871: It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
@brandonleecool: Muslim: I do not eat bacon. Jew: I do not eat bacon. Me: I will have their bacon.
@Brianhopecomedy: 100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada. 8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.