Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
What the dentist sees
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
cause of death:
autopsy.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.