It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Ken is short for chicken
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
plums roundup
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.