My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
💁🏻♂️
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”