American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.