It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs