It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”