It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*