Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
fly smarter, not harder
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”