Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY