It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”