I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
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“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Perfect
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.