I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words