ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*puts cutlery down*
Whoa… oh I see lol
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.