It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
oppen heimer style lol
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*