It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You’ll be OK
“HELP WITH CAT”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
✌️
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be