It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
(Musicians.)