It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
sensitive skin
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.