It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.