It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off