Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
monday
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany