I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.