@withanewname: It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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@TexasHickspanic: The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
@SabotagedSmoke: Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he's holding my hand & crying about his childhood. I need to wipe.
@Elifcello: Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.