It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
No chill.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker