@withanewname: It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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@DanMentos: ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
@markydoodoo: [at dog park] ME: it's ok, she's friendly. THEM: is, is that a crab? ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.
@sfreeze6: [on deathbed - calls for son] ".....if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it....."