The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Not😆🤣
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.