*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.