[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.