it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.