It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Whoa… oh I see lol
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
why isn’t he texting back
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
same bro
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???