@causticbob: It's my mate's birthday today. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We've got no idea how to celebrate it.
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@carlyken: So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.
@tigersgoroooar: Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
@LuckyLea13: I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself