@causticbob: It's my mate's birthday today. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We've got no idea how to celebrate it.
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@GhantaGuy: It's so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don't accept your friend request.
@inmynewskin: Teacher: you can be anything you want Me: Beyonce Her: well, not that (we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...) Me: Hi I'm Beyonce
@Underchilde: When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they’re gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.