It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
he’s doing your taxes
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.