It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
You Might Also Like
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
The little toadstool has spoken.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.