It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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Buck naked
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
mom gave me mine for free
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
blocked.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice