It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
#titanic
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again