Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
You Might Also Like
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.