“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late