It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
You Might Also Like
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?