@rickkondell: It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
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@hazelmotes1: I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.
@mrtruthandsoul: Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke! Luke: I'll never join you! Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays! Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
@FrenulumBreve: [homocide scene] DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost." COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."
@theevilwriter: Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.