@rickkondell: It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
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@Masquerage: I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said "time to get a watch" & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the "life of the party."
@JasonLastname: Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel