@rickkondell: It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
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@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
@heymonroe: That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
@LoveNLunchmeat: 80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
@Dawn_M_: When people are kissing in public, it's weird how angry they get when you try and join in.